not as self-indulgent as a winona ryder movie, but getting there

I've had a hell of a time the last few days coming up with things to post. I keep starting posts - on the self, emotional defensiveness, motivated reasoning - but I never feel strongly enough about them to keep going. So now I'm falling into this trap of writing about writing that I still believe is incredibly self-indulgent, and boring as hell for anyone unlucky enough to have come here hoping for an interesting distraction.

So I write this now because it is the only thing that it feel emotionally honest to write about.

As I said a couple of days ago, I've been doing a much better job of taking care of myself recently - dealing with a number of issues directly that I've been putting off for a long time. I think this might have something to do with the inspiration gap. Much of the usual angst and anger isn't there. It feels good, I think. I'm very open to the idea that I'm being defensive, and missing some piece of the picture, using exercise to avoid thinking about something like moving closer to home. You can never be sure of these things until the passage of time. I remember when I worked as a door-to-door salesperson - even that I told myself I wanted to do, for a little while.

Door-to-door sales. What a brutal, brutal life that was. I really didn't like bothering people at home. You're supposed to not take no for an answer, but no seemed like a perfectly rational answer given that I was selling natural gas savings plans where the person gave me fifty bucks in exchange for a shady looking contract. We lived in hotels, worked from about 11-7, then drank and drank and drank. I've never hated a job more, but I also don't think I've ever been closer to people in a workplace. Until I quit. I told them to look me up when they were back in my home town, but it was like when you say, "see you later," to a cabbie in a city you'll never visit again.

So, anyways, I'm at a crossroads with this blog. I remember hearing John Cleese say he got much less angry as he got older, and that it was a good thing. But that also marked the transition from Fawlty Towers to Mastercard commercials. I dunno.