not at the movies
It was suggested to me recently that I should do movie reviews. So I've decided to do one, but because I'm nervous about my ability to do so, I've decided to self-handicap. This is where you purposely undermine your own ability to perform so that you have an excuse if it should not go well. So, I could get hammered before I write this, or I could choose a really difficult movie to review. Instead, I've decided to really, really handicap myself, and review a movie I've never seen.
To wit...
A Review of "Shall We Dance," Starring Jennifer Lopez and Richard Gere
I haven't seen this movie, but it sucks. First, it has Jennifer Lopez in it. Here's a classic example of someone who is put in movies because there is a certain familiarity with her name. I always find it interesting that there's a premium placed on people who have some ability in multiple domains (i.e., it is often said that she can dance/sing/act). The problem is that she's mediocre, at best, in each domain. I'm not sure why her mediocre acting ability is supposed to be more interesting because, in another context, she could be singing a mediocre song. I mean, what has she ever done of any real substance? If a chef could make a thousand bland meals out of processed cheese, am I supposed to be impressed with each individual meal? So that was one of the things that ruined not watching this movie for me, Jennifer Lopez was in it.
It was also bad because it was a ripoff (the polite industry term is "remake") of a more sophisticated Japanese film. Now, I haven't seen the original either, but it HAD to be better than this one. For one thing, the original didn't have Jennifer Lopez in it. But what remake of a non-American film has ever been better than the original? My most salient memory is of how La Femme Nikita was butchered in the hands of the world's sole superpower. Seriously guys, the cold war is over. Give up on the fucking hair-brained bunker busting nuclear bombs and crazy space weapons, and get back to work on your films. Okay, so Shall We Dance simply paled next to the original, so that's another thing that ruined it for me while I was not watching it.
I guess the other thing that ruined this film was the presence of Richard Gere. He seems like a nice enough guy, and I feel bad about all those nasty urban legends around his sex life, but I thought it was a prerequisite for an actor to BE ABLE TO DISPLAY VARYING EMOTIONAL STATES. Sorry for yelling, but seriously, Richard Gere makes Leonard Nimoy look like Margaret Cho. I know he was supposed to be the sexiest man alive, but I mean, couldn't they just keep a still picture of him in the corner of the screen for the entire movie so they can still get his sex appeal without us having to bear his baseline emotional state for 2 hours? Fuck, that just ruined not watching this movie for me.
So, overall I'm pretty sure Shall We Dance sucked. If you disagree, I highly suspect it's because you were biased by the film's actual content, and thus I am not in a position to take your opinion seriously.
To wit...
A Review of "Shall We Dance," Starring Jennifer Lopez and Richard Gere
I haven't seen this movie, but it sucks. First, it has Jennifer Lopez in it. Here's a classic example of someone who is put in movies because there is a certain familiarity with her name. I always find it interesting that there's a premium placed on people who have some ability in multiple domains (i.e., it is often said that she can dance/sing/act). The problem is that she's mediocre, at best, in each domain. I'm not sure why her mediocre acting ability is supposed to be more interesting because, in another context, she could be singing a mediocre song. I mean, what has she ever done of any real substance? If a chef could make a thousand bland meals out of processed cheese, am I supposed to be impressed with each individual meal? So that was one of the things that ruined not watching this movie for me, Jennifer Lopez was in it.
It was also bad because it was a ripoff (the polite industry term is "remake") of a more sophisticated Japanese film. Now, I haven't seen the original either, but it HAD to be better than this one. For one thing, the original didn't have Jennifer Lopez in it. But what remake of a non-American film has ever been better than the original? My most salient memory is of how La Femme Nikita was butchered in the hands of the world's sole superpower. Seriously guys, the cold war is over. Give up on the fucking hair-brained bunker busting nuclear bombs and crazy space weapons, and get back to work on your films. Okay, so Shall We Dance simply paled next to the original, so that's another thing that ruined it for me while I was not watching it.
I guess the other thing that ruined this film was the presence of Richard Gere. He seems like a nice enough guy, and I feel bad about all those nasty urban legends around his sex life, but I thought it was a prerequisite for an actor to BE ABLE TO DISPLAY VARYING EMOTIONAL STATES. Sorry for yelling, but seriously, Richard Gere makes Leonard Nimoy look like Margaret Cho. I know he was supposed to be the sexiest man alive, but I mean, couldn't they just keep a still picture of him in the corner of the screen for the entire movie so they can still get his sex appeal without us having to bear his baseline emotional state for 2 hours? Fuck, that just ruined not watching this movie for me.
So, overall I'm pretty sure Shall We Dance sucked. If you disagree, I highly suspect it's because you were biased by the film's actual content, and thus I am not in a position to take your opinion seriously.
posted by H. Now at 4:27 p.m.
4 Comments:
Although I too have not seen this film it is clear that this is an academy award nominee! from your review is is obvious that you have a thing against mediocre actors and and actors with no talent. Surely you must realize that this is the very thing that make a movie great! It allows everyone to apply their own pathetic ideals and desires inside the characters and feel superior to what ever the hell is actually going on in this film. If only the film had Tony Danza as well..... sigh.
I suspect we could get Judith Light more easily. I'll look into it.
Pure.
Fucking.
Genius.
that's very gratifying Tim. Thank you.
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