Australian drivers
It seems to me that Australians have a well-earned reputation for being laid-back. Yet, their very viciousness is the reason this website now exists. See, I was coming home from indoor beach volleyball (highly superfluous in a nation with such vast beach space) musing about having absolutely nothing to post on a blog. While crossing an intersection, this reverie was interrupted by a shrill honk. I had been called out. My crime? Crossing the fucking street. With not only the crosswalk sign providing indisputable pictographic evidence of my right of way, but also the drone of the crosswalk buzzer, so that if my driver-friend so happened to be blind there were still sufficient clues to solve the mystery of what a pedestrian happened to be doing at an intersection, goddamit. Yeah, Aussies see blood and broken bone instead of pedestrians and don't mind letting you know. I cannot tell you how often I have fantasized about a driver brash enough to contest my right to walk across the street such that they slow down long enough to hear my views on the subject. Of course, in reality, my brain would freeze, my face would fade to pale, and my squeaky voice would grind out a couple of meager, insufficient sentences. But tonight, since I have time, I'm going to write out my answer and pin it to the inside of all of my pairs of underwear so I'm ready when the day comes. Here goes.......
Look, asshole, I'm SOOOOOO sorry that I delayed your vital trip, to obtain life-saving insulin, I'm sure. I realize that my flesh and teeth would have annihilated your deathmobile's metal frame, so I do SINCERELY apologize for my threatening dominance gesture of taking my right-of-fucking-way. It's rude enough that all these hippie pedestrians are slowing your noble push for global warming, urban sprawl, and bloodthirsty oil wars. So, please, avoid situations like this in the future by placing 20 foot poison-tipped lances on the front of your vehicle to deal with problems like myself. Fucking prick.
Look, asshole, I'm SOOOOOO sorry that I delayed your vital trip, to obtain life-saving insulin, I'm sure. I realize that my flesh and teeth would have annihilated your deathmobile's metal frame, so I do SINCERELY apologize for my threatening dominance gesture of taking my right-of-fucking-way. It's rude enough that all these hippie pedestrians are slowing your noble push for global warming, urban sprawl, and bloodthirsty oil wars. So, please, avoid situations like this in the future by placing 20 foot poison-tipped lances on the front of your vehicle to deal with problems like myself. Fucking prick.
posted by H. Now at 8:55 p.m.
6 Comments:
Now that's sarcasm.
In his Nichomachean Ethics Aristotle apparently wrote, "The man who gets angry at the right things and with the right people, and in the right way and at the right time and for the right length of time, is commended." ;) I feel this provides a strong rationale for the (also inherently gratifying) exercise of writing out retorts-that-might-have-been....
In some part of Europe (am forgetting where? possibly somewhere in Germany?) there is a place where it is legal to drive on either side of the road; it is the ultimate, I think, in pedestrian angst...
And the Aussie drivers respond:
Look, just because you're from Canada, where if you even think about a cross-walk all the drivers stop does not mean that you get the same level of deference here. You know what Aussies do for fun? Go to Vancouver on holiday, find a really busy road, stick a toe in the cross-walk and sit back and laugh while all the cars within 2 km careen to a stop. Try walking in Manhatten some time. Wimp.
Actually, the biggest driving sin around here is the national obsession with backing into parking spaces...
But see, I expect in Manhattan. You know, when everyone has a gun, you keep an eye open for these things. When everyone around you shortens every word and ends it with "ie" (e.g., sunnies), your defences go down. I feel this is much more nefarious. The Wiggles have blood on their hands, dammit.
And I have now cancelled my trip to Germany. Thanks for the heads up.
rock on!
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